+++Breaking News+++ Nostradamus turns to MitB

After the raging success of my predictions last week, Sixteenth Century philosopher and long-time predictor of the end of the world Nostradamus has turned to yours truly for advice on how to keep ahead of the game.

Of course, I didn't believe it myself, but the guy is on Twitter - light years ahead of his time.

And he's following me.

Oh.  You thought with the "Breaking News" banner that it was something important?  Don't be daft - a banner like that is just to suck in readers, isn't it?

PS - With apologies to Caron & Yousuf, I'm just being a little mischievous! 

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Democracy, thy name is Tavish

I was going to write a post criticising the Liberal "Democrats" for the position taken at their conference yesterday.

I was going to, and then I read Will's post, which makes the point far more eloquently than I could, so I won't bother.

Except to say this. The SNP's preferred wording for a referendum is not the only option. If the Lib Dems wanted a referendum - as some of their membership apparently wished though seem to have changed their minds - couldn't they have negotiated a question with the SNP? I seem to remember a three-option question was - and remains - on the table.

Then again, wouldn't that mean being democratic? Something it appears that the Lib Dems are pretty incapable of. And that's where Will's terrific post comes in.

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Irn Bru

I watched Barcelona beating Manchester United to the Champions League trophy last night. It was like watching an orchestra play when Barcelona had the ball - everyone had their part, knew what to do, and were playing to a higher standard than the buskers in playing in white.

Anyway, this new Irn Bru advert aired at half-time of the coverage on ITV. It thought it quite an amusing take on our other national drink: "It's fizzy, it's ginger, it's phenomenal." Quite.

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Could Aberdeen City Council run a bath?

Because they sure as hell can't run a city.

Cracking story this, on the BBC website.

Workers were contracted to paint yellow zig-zag lines and "school - keep clear" messages outside St. Peter's Nursery in Aberdeen warning traffic that there was a nursery in the area, as show in this photograph:


Of course, the nursery was closed two years ago.

Oops.

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No noise please, we're British

Is it any wonder that prisons are full when cases like this come to court?

An Asbo for being noisy during sex?!

Three breaches of it in 10 days?

Got to love the next line though:

after reports from neighbours she was flouting the ban with her husband Steve.

Got to wonder what kind of neighbours they have that complain about the noise - but make sure they know exactly who is having sex. Could have been the milkman for all they know...

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Interest in Scottish coaching job

Looks like I've got a one in 30 chance then...

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Facebook has me sussed

Check the list of people it suggests as friends for me:

• 2 SNP Ministers
• 2 Labour MSPs
• 1 SNP MSP
• 1 Lib Dem MSP
• 1 Green MSP
• 1 Labour MP
• 1 Labour MEP
• 1 Glasgow Labour Councillor
• 1 Edinburgh SNP Councillor
• 1 Labour Westminster Candidate
• and one journalist turned Edinburgh rectum rector* who hates bloggers.

Think I've been pigeon-holed as a politics nerd?

Apologies for the typo in the original - the error has been pointed out to me only recently and I'm happy to fix it.

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Have a Good Friday...

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish... but the reception was amazing!

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Man: I can't stop singing "Sexbomb"
Doc: Sounds like "Tom Jones" syndrome
Man: Is it quite common?
Doc: It's not unusual...

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says...
"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids today. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks... They charged one and let the other off...

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I went to the Butchers and bet him £50 he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused the bet - told me the steaks were too high.

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On that note, have a nice Easter. I'm away for the weekend so blogging might be light. Or non-existent. Or I might blog every five minutes. You never know.

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Mornin'

There's some crackers out there today...

TRS has an exclusive: Alistair Darling arrested over F1 plot

Stephen Glenn goes with another exclusive: Alex Salmond standing down as First Minister to return to the House of Commons

Tom Harris decides to vote in favour of blog regulation

The Guardian becomes the first Twitter-only newspaper

The Scotsman has a new tram line being built in Edinburgh - with green carriages

Alan Shearer is to take over as Newcastle United boss until the end of the season

Oh, and the G20 is going to save the world

Have a great day...

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The Lib Dem Kayak

I haven't had a pop at my favourite party for a wee while... But I have found a policy that is worth a mention, and that's the Lib Dems current campaign to keep the opt-out for firefighters.

It seems that Lib Dem MEP (for the West Midlands, pictured left) Liz Lynne is fronting the "Scottish Lib Dems campaign" to keep the opt-out. Here's a quote from their campaign web-page:

"Lib Dem MEP Liz Lynne is fighting a tough battle in Brussels to keep the Opt Out after a vote by the European Parliament to scrap it. Liz Lynne is the shadow rapporteur for the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats in Europe and the only UK lead for any party in the European Parliament, negotiating with government ministers from EU Member State."

Someone should really tell Scottish Lib Dem MEP Elspeth Atwooll (pictured below). She supports the campaign publicly, as this quote illustrates:

“I have made sure that the European Parliament’s negotiating team is fully aware of the situation. It is essential that we reach an outcome that allows our valuable and valued system of retained firefighters to continue to function.”

Yet somehow she still managed to vote to scrap the opt-out.

Looks like Liz Lynne's tough battle in Brussels was made even tougher... by someone in her own party!

Reminds me of a story about two Eskimos in a kayak who got a big chilly. They lit a fire in the middle of it, and it sank.

There's a lesson for the Lib Dems there - you can't have your kayak and heat it...

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What a difference a day makes...

Edinburgh yesterday...

Edinburgh today...

Summer's over folks.

Hope you enjoyed it!

UPDATE - It seems my proclaimation of the death of summer was slightly premature as Edinburgh is now bathed in a warm, sunny glow. Quick, get outside and enjoy it before it really is over!

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New Tory logo....

The Tories have a delightful website where you can make your own Conservative party logo...

Have fun now.

Hat-tip: Tom Harris

PS - See Tory's Bear's own take on it - a swipe at Tom Harris - here. Best one yet!

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Alex & Sandi's latest project

Spotted the above sign on my recent holiday in Spain. Looks like the FM and his... rather more tuneful friend have taken the brand name and opened some shops in Spain.

Then again, if you look at what the shop sells...

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Iain Dale says what most of us are thinking

A poll on Iain Dale's Diary invites readers to vote for their person of the year in a number of categories. A screenshot of one of those features above.

It appears that - and assuming Mr Dale's interest in affairs of the Scottish Parliament is not quite that of Scottish bloggers' - the Leader of Labour in the Scottish Parliament's reputation preceeds him.

For those of you who don't know who I mean, that person is Iain Gray.

Though Iain GREY (as Iain Dale would have it) might well be more appropriate.

I'm assuming it is just a wee mistake on Mr Dale's part... But still... He's on the money with it!

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Not how I remember it...

A friend working at the European Parliament sent me the above cartoon. Guess that is the outsiders' view of what goes on in a politicians office. But its not really accurate - unless, of course, things have changed dramatically since I left...

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Eyes front

I got the following series of pictures in an email entitled "We've all been there lads" - which I think sums it up fairly well...





Good to know that even celebrity demi-Gods like Mr Beckham get themselves into the same bother with women that us mere mortals do!

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Quote of the day

SFA Chief executive Gordon Smith on the cost of tickets for the Scotland v Argentina game tonight:

"The highest price is £35... which is for the best seats."

"It's a lot less than the Take That concert tickets and the stadium will be full for that over two nights next year."

Did he just compare the lure of seeing possibly one of the world's greatest footballers manage his country for the first time with four has-been 1990s boy band singers (who, granted, make some excellent music)?

I mean, one is overweight, unfit and forty-something, and can't sing or dance...

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A joke that hits home...

My brother's fiancée told a joke at the weekend, which translated roughly as the following:

"Due to the Labour Government's Post Office Closure programme and the current financial climate, Postman Pat has been made redundant. What do people in Greendale now call him?

Pat."

Of course, it works with Fireman Sam too...

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Chick kicked by MSP

I wasn't going to blog on this, but I thought it too... bizarrely funny not to.

Apparently BBC football analyst, the "unbiased" Chick Young got a bit of a kicking from a Labour MSP at an MSP-journalists football match on Sunday. The story made quite a splash in the papers yesterday.

According to my good friend Scottish Tory Boy, who was on the scene (and fairly close to the action - well, as close as his footballing ability allows...) the incident may have been blown out of proportion somewhat.

However, it does make you wonder slightly. Politicians are often the first to speak out against "brawls" on the field when top-flight sides are involved. And now this.

To be honest, kinda puts the whole Russell Brand-Jonathan Ross hoopla into perspective.

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Holy Cow Batman!

I got the following in an email. I thought it was worth sharing in light of the current economic climate. It obviously plays on national stereotypes, so if you get offended by that, maybe don't read it.

Economic models explained through the medium of... cows.

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows.

None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are democratic.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

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